And the pain goes on

My heart is bleeding again. I was so stupid to follow my desire to look at her engagement photos once again. I thought I was content to see her happy, but I wasn’t that content. Looking at their (I mean her and him) photos and their gestures made me eating shards of sharp glasses in a gulp. It’s too much to bear that I felt these shards slicing my heart. Looking at that guy made me burn with anger... I am angry with myself. Looking at her in her lovely engagement dress, I felt a sudden rush of despair and longing. I tried to control myself... I just can’t. I couldn’t take it.

Why she can’t just make it clear? Why wouldn’t she give me another chance? Why?

Love can sometimes become painful to bear. Too bad love isn’t come in just one package: happiness. Love is a complete meal of life, thus having many packages that could provide benefits or losses. Love is such a powerful element that could influence surge of tides and the lowest of ebbs. Love is so detrimental, yet can be favourable. The best thing is: everyone will experience love. In this sense, love is equality. And love is mental.

I agree with my dear darling friend MelatiPutih that love can make you do something crazy and selfless. What was the wackiest thing did I do for her... I mean, this girl of mine? If you listen to Britney Spears’ Oops... I Did It Again!, you’ll hear a slight conversation just after the chorus:

Guy : Britney, before you go there’s something I want you have (supposedly taking out a present)

BS : (in awe and giggles) Oh, it’s beautiful. But, wait a minute. Isn’t this...

Guy : ...yeah, yes it is.

BS : But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end.

Guy : Well, baby. I went down and got it for you.

BS : (flattered) Oh, you shouldn’t have.

That’s her version. Mine was kinda similar, except the exchange just didn’t happen, thus no telenovela-like script was uttered. Here’s my craziest thing:

In April 2009, I went to Phuket on a company trip. During a stop on a second day while we were island-hopping at Koh Phi Phi (Phi Phi Island, arguably the best island I ever set foot on), I dived from the upper deck of the ferry to the bottom of the sea (I love water, okay). I swam underwater for a minute or so around the corals and fishes in the cool water on a sunny day. Yeah, I got cuts here and there on my feet and legs but I just didn’t care less. The feeling was indescribable. Taking a breath while surfacing, I felt everything woeful flushed out... seriously, it was rejuvenating. Then, I saw a beautiful reddish hue coral stone like seven feet down there. I got my Swiss knife and dived again. I managed to cut the palm-sized coral and brought it back to Phuket. Along with other tropical seashells and a nice t-shirt, the coral was definitely precious of them all.

Why did I do that for? Because I wanted to give and tell her that she means everything for me. The reddish coral was supposedly my love token. But that didn’t happened. I lost her for a second time and every time I set for a date, there’s always a hindrance. The t-shirt is still in its packaging and the seashells are still in its container. Subsequently, the coral died and I had no choice but to let it go. There went my token of love.

How crazy was that? I dived to the Andaman Sea without proper equipment. I swam to quite a distance that I could be swept to the open sea. I risked cramps and breathing difficulties when swimming back to the ferry and I could have drowned to stinging coral cuts and pain plus being stuck somewhere down there. And here’s a fact: I have never swim minimally at an open sea like that. All in short: I risked death. That was my first time... and the experience is divine.

After all, the emotional pain is unbearable. I have been in many relationships and a marriage but this one is torment. I have tried many ways to keep my mind sound and positive to her forthcoming nuptial, as far as taking it lightly to make myself appear good and joyful. I even pray for her happiness and extend our friendship... but when the negative side takes over, albeit briefly, gives you pangs of the moment.

Like Britney’s The Beat Goes On, I’m having the pain goes on.

Love Letters (2003)

Back in IIUM where fame is a popular concern for Wordsworth and Shakespeare-wannabes, I write numerous poems and short stories for course assignments and self collection. I wanted to become famous myself, and dreamed of becoming among rising stars in Malaysian English literature.

Anyway, findings from my old treasure troves lead me to these two semi-fictional, pseudo-Dear John Letter, which were written around mid-2003. These letters are not intended for actual posting, as I composed them out of my passion for writing at that time. I posted these letters as part of my mini anthology for our local publication house back then (The Gloomy Ghetto) and quite popular. As time passes by, I gotta admit that these letters are strangely coincident with my recent heartbreak… as if I have predicted it. Enjoy reading ‘em, lads.

OF A BOY

To my special girl,

I think I should be frank and sincere to you. I’m not going to flood in excessive greetings, or openings as usual. Let me tell you what my heart really feels.

Do you remember when we first met? I was kind of surprise when you were there to light up my life. I was totally lost at that time… don’t tell about the incident, plus my broken relationship with Z, I was hopeless. I was wandering alone to regain myself. I realize that I was attracted to you. You’re special, cheerful, and sweet as always as if happiness never leaves you.

Thank God I was in the same class with you. You really changed me, from a playful guy to a committed one, as if you’re always there for me. Whenever I’m lost, you’re there or otherwise. Wherever I go, you’ll be there too. How can I ever get you out of my head? You were always in my eyes, my heart, my soul, my books (plus side notes of yours), and my arms as I dream of you, your warmth and tender loving care. Oh girl, how much I missed that!

“Tell me boy, if I’m the girl of yours, what would you give?”

“I’ll give whatever that takes me to your heart.”

I remember that day when we took private walk down to your hostel.

I love you since we you saved me from the shadow of darkness. I love you even you didn’t notice it. I love you so much after our heart to heart confession outside your hostel. But I’m sorry dear because I love you so much.

I shouldn’t let my feelings went wild to you. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I’m sorry to you and him. For months I waited for you, I cared for you, I longed for you. I’m totally hopeless after all I heard. You ditched me for another guy. I was too hoping that you would be mine.

A hopeless guy with a broken heart would dead fast. You know that girl, but it’s over between us. Let this goes to our recycle bin.

He would call me a jerk. I don’t care about that. How about our promise? Oh God please, give me a piece of love to take you girl. Can’t you see how much I missed you, thrill you and desperately longed for you? If only you could leave him…

Adieu.

Sincerely,

THE BOY

This is her reply:

OF A GIRL

To my dearest boy,

At one time I was still thinking about us. I’m very sorry for what we’ve done; uh, well perhaps I’m the one that made you like this.

Since the time I met you I guessed right that later you would be my boy. As for my heart I’d say it’s OK to accept you as a friend. Friends forever. I thought one day I asked you:

“Boy, what if I’m the girl that you’ve been looking for?”

“I wished you would be my sweetheart.”

“Tell me boy, if I’m the girl of yours, what would you give?”

“I’ll give whatever that takes me to your heart.”

Sincerely, I like you more than other guys. You changed my heart, you cheered me and you lit me with your care. I knew you loved me deep inside but I gotta lie to myself that I loved you.

Don’t blame me for having him instead of you, boy. He’s my boy before we met. You have charms that could melt every girl, and I admit that. He lacks of what you possess but he wins. People say, “The best man wins”.

Cheer up, my dear boy. Don’t take this as the end of our friendship. Perhaps later if God will, we would unite but I can’t promise you that. Tell me, that you will find another girl that is better than me.

He would not say you’re a jerk. He would not condemn you. He shall not oppress you. Boy dear, how much I love him… only you have courage to challenge him to get me but I need to decide as if “catches me if you can”.

I’m so sorry, boy. I miss you dearly.

Bye.

Faithfully,

THE GIRL

Old flame never dies

I was looking for a job document in my hard disk when I stumbled upon an old folder of my old heydays in IIUM. There are many poems written throughout my student life (I majored in English Literature) and this one, I pick up for this entry.

Falling in Love

There is a boy who likes to stare at one girl.
One day, the boy had a chance to talk with her.
What happened later, the boy falls in love with the girl.
Where is that boy?
He is standing right in front of that girl now, and he says:
“I love you.”

And the girl leaves him,
because she has fallen in love with that boy.
And that night she confessed,
that she loves the boy.
Where is that lucky girl?
She is now standing in front of the boy and she replies:
“I love you too.”

IIUM Gombak,
July 2002.