And the pain goes on

My heart is bleeding again. I was so stupid to follow my desire to look at her engagement photos once again. I thought I was content to see her happy, but I wasn’t that content. Looking at their (I mean her and him) photos and their gestures made me eating shards of sharp glasses in a gulp. It’s too much to bear that I felt these shards slicing my heart. Looking at that guy made me burn with anger... I am angry with myself. Looking at her in her lovely engagement dress, I felt a sudden rush of despair and longing. I tried to control myself... I just can’t. I couldn’t take it.

Why she can’t just make it clear? Why wouldn’t she give me another chance? Why?

Love can sometimes become painful to bear. Too bad love isn’t come in just one package: happiness. Love is a complete meal of life, thus having many packages that could provide benefits or losses. Love is such a powerful element that could influence surge of tides and the lowest of ebbs. Love is so detrimental, yet can be favourable. The best thing is: everyone will experience love. In this sense, love is equality. And love is mental.

I agree with my dear darling friend MelatiPutih that love can make you do something crazy and selfless. What was the wackiest thing did I do for her... I mean, this girl of mine? If you listen to Britney Spears’ Oops... I Did It Again!, you’ll hear a slight conversation just after the chorus:

Guy : Britney, before you go there’s something I want you have (supposedly taking out a present)

BS : (in awe and giggles) Oh, it’s beautiful. But, wait a minute. Isn’t this...

Guy : ...yeah, yes it is.

BS : But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end.

Guy : Well, baby. I went down and got it for you.

BS : (flattered) Oh, you shouldn’t have.

That’s her version. Mine was kinda similar, except the exchange just didn’t happen, thus no telenovela-like script was uttered. Here’s my craziest thing:

In April 2009, I went to Phuket on a company trip. During a stop on a second day while we were island-hopping at Koh Phi Phi (Phi Phi Island, arguably the best island I ever set foot on), I dived from the upper deck of the ferry to the bottom of the sea (I love water, okay). I swam underwater for a minute or so around the corals and fishes in the cool water on a sunny day. Yeah, I got cuts here and there on my feet and legs but I just didn’t care less. The feeling was indescribable. Taking a breath while surfacing, I felt everything woeful flushed out... seriously, it was rejuvenating. Then, I saw a beautiful reddish hue coral stone like seven feet down there. I got my Swiss knife and dived again. I managed to cut the palm-sized coral and brought it back to Phuket. Along with other tropical seashells and a nice t-shirt, the coral was definitely precious of them all.

Why did I do that for? Because I wanted to give and tell her that she means everything for me. The reddish coral was supposedly my love token. But that didn’t happened. I lost her for a second time and every time I set for a date, there’s always a hindrance. The t-shirt is still in its packaging and the seashells are still in its container. Subsequently, the coral died and I had no choice but to let it go. There went my token of love.

How crazy was that? I dived to the Andaman Sea without proper equipment. I swam to quite a distance that I could be swept to the open sea. I risked cramps and breathing difficulties when swimming back to the ferry and I could have drowned to stinging coral cuts and pain plus being stuck somewhere down there. And here’s a fact: I have never swim minimally at an open sea like that. All in short: I risked death. That was my first time... and the experience is divine.

After all, the emotional pain is unbearable. I have been in many relationships and a marriage but this one is torment. I have tried many ways to keep my mind sound and positive to her forthcoming nuptial, as far as taking it lightly to make myself appear good and joyful. I even pray for her happiness and extend our friendship... but when the negative side takes over, albeit briefly, gives you pangs of the moment.

Like Britney’s The Beat Goes On, I’m having the pain goes on.