Soul Gone Home (Al-Fatihah)

It’s been more than 20 days since the demise of my late grandmother. It is just now that I have the will to write something about her.

Nevertheless, I pray for Allah SWT for He is All Merciful and bless her soul.

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My late grandma, Toyot binti Kelas, or Nek Wan as she was affectionately known, was the last of my grandparents. She succumbed to stomach tumour at the age of 76 on May 4, 2011 at Sarawak General Hospital, Kuching.

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I was her first grandson. She gave me the best of what any grandma in this world gives for their grandsons. I admit that when I grew up, I used to bully her like, playfully. There were also times that I argued with her over adolescent stuff… that was bitter. But all was forgiven soon after.  We became closer, and whenever we moved she would be there with us. She followed us for most of our trips, and every Aidilfitri, she would always be swarmed by a legion of her grandchildren. How we love Hari Raya with her with us. We would make preparations together. I would help her getting stuff and at the end, she would entertain us with stories and occasional jokes. Since I live in KL, I only see her once or twice whenever I return home. And now it would be no more.

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Prior to her demise, my mom commuted from Melaka to Kuching to visit and taking care of my ailing grandma for three consecutive weekends. On her first trip, grandma fell at home and broke her hip. She was hospitalized and in stable condition, after an operation.

On my mom’s second trip, there was this feeling that made me feel something is definitely not right. Grandma was admitted to the emergency care earlier. After sending my mom to the airport during the wee hours in the morning, I talked to my youngest brother, who also skipped Friday classes to stay with me in KL, about the possibilities of losing grandma.

“Iwan, I have this feeling that we will not see Nek Wan this Raya.”

“Me too, mom said her condition worsened.”

“Then we should return home someday to see her, even if it means to see her grave.”

Grandma was admitted to ICU a few days’ later following haemorrhage and her tumour worsened. My mom was forced to return to Melaka for a while, and when grandma gave no response to medication and begun to depend on life support machine, the whole family flew to Kuching. I flew home two days afterwards.

When I reached Kuching, I immediately went to the hospital to visit her. When I first saw her, I was speechless. Although I was well informed of her condition, seeing her first-hand was quite devastating. Machines and wires were all over grandma’s motionless body. She was breathing with her mouth occasionally gasping a little and her body was cold. The readings on the machines didn’t help much; I talked with the nurse and assessed her condition. She was technically critical. I went out from the ward and met other relatives who thronged to visit her. Some were carrying Surah Yasin, giving a clear indication that the worst would be soon.

I visited and took care of her a few times. I talked to her, recited Surah Yasin and told her everything that I want to tell. Until my last day at home, I visited her for the last time, stroking and bade her farewell as I knew it would be the very last time I see her in flesh. My family return to Melaka the next day and we all kept in touch with others at Kuching.

It was indeed the last time.

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It was May 4, 2011, 1110 hours. I just arrived home from work and meeting with friends. I was quite spent and wanted to rest when my brother-in-law called.

“Den, did you know that Nek Wan have an operation today? She’s been there for six hours and the doctors are giving another 10 minutes on attempting to resuscitate her. After that, you know what-lah.”

As mentioned, we all were well informed of her condition and whereabouts. So news of her undergone an operation was known, but with another 10 minutes to spare, she would be gone if all else fails. I gulped a few drinks, got changed and waited for the next call.

Then the worst came to my ears. The call was answered.

“Den, be patient. Nenek has gone.”

I paused and recited innalillah wa inna ilaihi raji’un (From Him we come, to Him we return) afterwards. I asked of her passing and the situation over there. My sister was in shock and couldn’t hold back her tears. I told her that all we all do is to pray for her soul. I was requested to call my mom to deliver the news, but I called my dad instead as I have no courage and idea how to tell my mom.

“No problem, I’ll tell mom,” my dad said.

“In the meantime, get ready and go to Melaka. I will arrange for mom’s flight to Kuching at the earliest flight possible. Go forth.”

I packed and didn’t even bathe. I drove off to Melaka to fetch my mom and brother at 0000 hours. I reached Melaka at 0230 hours and rested for a while. I got my brother to massage me and off we went to the airport at 0430 hours. Mom’s flight was at 0715 hours and after checking her in, me and brother went back to my place where we got stuck in traffic jam near Puchong and several slow drives. At home, I rested and took a 30-minute nap and prepared for work. I dressed myself in black as I mourned the passing of grandma. I was sleepy like hell and depended on overdosed caffeine to put myself up to par.

The funeral ceremony was conducted without any hindrance and shortcomings. Throngs of relatives, grandchildren and family members visited her for the last time. Mom was fine as well. I wasn’t crying because I have told myself that grandma wouldn’t make it when I last saw her few days earlier. I saw her day was nearing. I knew that she would be gone. Now that I have taken the reality of grandma’s demise, I smile in reminisce our good old days and every time I remember her, I’ll recite some ayahs for her soul.

This Hari Raya would be different without her. I will visit her grave.

Nek Wan, I miss you. We would see each other again in the Hereafter. Al-Fatihah.